The Devil's Eyes

The Devil's Eyes - Jennifer Loren Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the undoubtedly WORST BOOK I HAVE EVER READ in my entire life.

In fact it sucked such colossal ass that I have made two brand new shelves just for this book. The first one would be 'worst book I have ever read' (duh...), and it's not really a shelf. It's in fact.............. a throne. The Devil's Eyes will sit there until I the time some other book surfaces that will be even more idiotic, shallow, stupid, unimaginative, cheesy, vulgar, uninspiring, and all together even more catastrophic than this pathetic prosaic monstrosity that crawled out of the sewers to reach the light of day.

It sat on my TBR pile for ages, I added it because I loved the blurb, it sounded so promising. It needs to come with a warning to let you know what exactly is the reader getting himself into.

Starts like this:

On the very first page of the, you guessed it, the very first chapter, our (let's kid ourselves and call her a heroine, just for laughs) “heroine” visits her sister's grave and after a brief moment and a bunch of flowers an old lady walks by that the “heroine” has never seen before in her life and asks her about the grave. Normal, right?..... Wait for it.....

The “heroine” launches herself in a monologue three pages long about how sweet her sister was until she met the wrong man, how she took care of her, bought her books, paid the bills and coddled her, until the previously mentioned wrong man starts abusing her....(mind you, this abuse never happens in front of our “heroine's” eyes, but she is certain it's there), because her sister eventually winds up being a prostitute for the man, doing all sorts of illegal things including drugs, and winds up killing her self.

The old lady says one thing down the lines of “Oh how awful, and what did you do?”

And we are introduced to another mile long monologue, this one featuring her drunken mother, with the support cast of oversexed stepfathers that burned books on the stake and hunted daily for her virginity, culminating in a battle in witch she was saved by a stranger, a man she never saw before....

Dafuq did my eyeballs just witness????? Poor little old lady. There is no taking things back after this point, shit seen cannot be unseen.

Of all the possible ways to introduce the back-story, like visiting her sister then having solitary cup of coffee while she takes us down memory lane or something so simple the author chooses her “heroine” to go off rambling about the intimate details of potential sexual abuse, sexual awareness and frustration (she even manages to say how she was dreaming the guy was her boyfriend, and she was jealous of her sister) poverty, oddly- a fondness for books- that got a lot of time in the spotlight, then the new career as a stripper/prostitute to a random stranger over her sister's grave.

Moving on:

Next chapter gives us the pleasure of our “heroine” starting work as a stripper in an upscale nightclub, so elite and exclusive that only the best, most talented dancers who of course have to be the most beautiful women out there work. Of course, she is one of them, because she is so friggin awesome. Without a doubt her performance outshines everyone else's (naturally). She sets the gears in motion to get her revenge on a man that is such a a hardened criminal, even his shadow is afraid of him. If only she could somehow get his attention....oh my let's just finish our job of getting naked for the guests, then even though we are staff, stroll down and take a seat in front of the VIP area where the evil boss man sits, then take our book out and start reading it, loudly ignoring the middle of the an upscale strip club.......reading a book...... amongst the guests........that just saw you get nekkid............ignoring your boss????

BUAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I never guffawed in my life, but I guffawed when I read that.

You don't have to be upscale to know how the staff-guest relations work, but just from that nugget it's painfully obvious that the author and upscale met only on paper.

Even further:

She finally gets his attention, being so friggin awesome as she is, and he takes her to an auction to see how much money would people bid to shag her. The night ends and he is furious, why??? Because everyone bid on her, all of them solely on her and not a single other woman!! Well we all knew that she is so friggin awesome, looks like he's finally catching on. Good for you, son, now let's get this party started! He takes her to his house, where the most incredibly stupid sex scene happens. He gets hot, they both get naked, then he storms out because he forgot some meeting?!? She falls asleep to be woken by some other guy taking her panties off while her boss watches. She slaps the shit out of the guy, threatens her boss (who is a hardened criminal, murderer,pimp, drug pusher and all that) that she will call the cops on him.


Anyhooo she somehow winds up unsexed walking out of his house in his clothes, because she stripped the dress he gave her in her righteous rage. Love this quote:

“Leaving his house smelling of him,wearing his clothes and feeling strangely more aware of him then ever before I can't help but wonder... Why didn't he kill me?”

Bitch, me either. One of the worlds greatest mysteries till this day.

Yeah, i know, i know, don't get upset, fictional characters and all that, if this novel was based on any logic and common sense, he would be behind bars and fetured in "The world's dumbest criminals" after all the stupidities he pulled, and she would be dead, because we all know that people can't live without a brain. But still...

Now I have only covered a few chapters of this novel and not even touched all the points that were so very wrong with this book. Like the moment he is about to have sex with her and she thinks how the last time she saw him like this with his dick out was when he fucked her sister...awwwwww...what an emotionally charged moment. *gag* If this book was being reviewed by genuine critics I see the words like brazen and bold coming up. Don't get me wrong it's not the novel itself it's the author. She had an interesting concept but it felt like she was tripping over her own shoes in her hurry to tell her story and wind up with such unbelievable nonsense that is an absolute insult to the readers intelligence. To top all of that, this is only the first book of the series. There are two more. I must congratulate her for sticking up for her work and moving on. She proved that producing something as horrendous as this novel didn't shake her resolve but in fact solidified it. This woman honestly scares me. I am afraid of her.

The second shelf I have added for this book would be the 'nuclear waste' shelf, because I firmly believe that any prolonged exposure to Loren's writing would cause hair loss, second and third degree burns, organ failure and culminate in a slow and painful death.